Archive for February, 2010

Bitter Critter

February 10, 2010

Ten percent of all proceeds from the sale of the following rap will go to GreyRap LLC. GRLLC was formed to promote Greyhound rap throughout the world. Note: Not intended for small children.

Bitter Critter


Furpile Hayes

she’s a bitter
a pisser
and a shitter
full a hate
won’t get in her crate
she’s a bitter
runt of the litter

waistline shaped
like Betty Rubble
cat in the yard
gonna be trouble
bitter critter
read about it on twitter

black and white
just like a cow
favorite dish
is rabbit kung pao


eat a fortune cookie
just for luck
today’s your day, dog,
you’ll whack a duck
cuz she’s a bitter
a pisser
and a shitter
layin in bed
pear shaped head
lack of contentment
full of resentment
read about it
on twitter

sittin in the car
payin her dues
turn on the radio
listen to the news

bitter critter
runt of the litter

why should she walk
when she can laze
cockroaching is
all the rage

bearing her teeth
upside down
mess with her
she’ll take you down

bitter critter
read about it twitter

sighthound sleepin
dreamin bout bones
rainin from heaven

legs and lungs
like she’s from Kenya
find her on Facebook
and she’ll friend yah

read about her on twitter
face is long
a furry bong
bitter critter
bitter critter
bitter critter…
[Fade to black–and white.]


Living In The Dot Calm Era

February 3, 2010

It’s pretty remarkable that a dog this fast, one who has caught two rabbits this season, would, for the most part, lay on her back all day, teeth exposed, dead fast asleep. Maybe not 24/7. But 23/7 for sure.

It is also amazing to me that the other day I went to clip her nails and…she fell asleep. While asleep I was also able to brush her teeth. Let sleeping dogs lay, indeed.

Which reminds me…

Yesterday at a Paws For Reading event I had this tyrant-in-training kid. As usual, Stella was picked last because she’s tall and skinny and kids like those small fluffy dogs. But because this brat came in late, Stella was his only option. He did not say hello but just plunked himself down and began to read. Stella wanted to check him out so she sniffed the top of his head and began tasting his hair, “I don’t want her touching me while I’m reading!” he demanded.

As if Stella could understand English, or maybe she’s fluent in “brat” she actually moved and stretched out on the floor a few feet away. Immediately the kid then yells, “Why isn’t she here? I want her HERE!”

I told him that Stella was more comfortable stretched out and suggested he go over to her and read. He got up and went to her but then began to reprimand, “Don’t sleep. You listen to me, dog, don’t sleep while I’m reading.”

I let the kid know that Stella wasn’t asleep but couldn’t help but warn him that he should never get up in the face of a dog he doesn’t know, especially if they were sleeping. When I added that some dogs could react and bite I could see the information registering in his eyes, settling deep into his brain. I could tell: He’d be taking this pearl of wisdom home with him for good.

It was interesting to observe this child. First he did not want Stella to touch or bother him. Then, when she moved away he was angry about that. He said he was tired of reading. And then he became angry because Stella wasn’t listening to him read, “How can she listen to you read if you’re not reading?” I asked. He had moved on to being angry about how skinny she was.

I wondered about this kid. I wondered if he had any friends and what his life as an adult would look like with this off-putting personality. I wondered if he just came out of the womb a brat and the parents were trying like mad to work with him. Or if his parents were verbally abusive and he was just passing along what he knew to Stella. And to some degree, me.

And I wondered too since my business has a baby focus that if people thought about giving birth to an adult–or even a seven year old–if they thought about that vs. an infant if they’d have children at all. Because the possibilities of personality quirks and disturbances are limitless. I thought about this too: in the end, as a parent, you will likely spend much more time relating to your child in an adult form vs. child. So what happens if you just do not like that person that is your kid?

Makes yah think. And ramble. What a crap shoot this all is.